Show me the Monkey!

Nothing quite like a wonderful piece of art to reinforce one's belief in the sheer creativity and endurance of human kind!



Then again, there are also bronze statues of Chimpanzees on skateboards...

Geezers, Birds and Bitches...

It has recently come to my attention that visitors to The Philippines are occasionally overwhelmed by the sheer beauty of the people here.

So overwhelmed in fact that men are frequently mistaken for women! and women mistaken for ladies of the night! Or Customer Relations Officers (CRO's) as they are politely known here.

In order to assist visitors to my adopted home I have compiled a simple, easy to use guide.

Simply analyse the pictures below and answer the 10 questions by selecting from one of three multiple choice answers. GEEZER, BIRD or BITCH. Check your answers against the correct results below. Look out for extra points!

You have 3 minutes commencing....NOW!

Question One

BIRDS!



Question Two

GEEZERS (telling you to fork off!)



Question Three

One GEEZER, One CHAPPY!, 3 BIRDS!




Question Four

A GEEZER (yes really!)




Question Five

A GEEZER...no wait a BIRD....no wait a GEEZER...oh I don't know make up your own mind...



Question Six

One GEEZER, One BIRD (extra point for correctly identifying which one is which?)




Question Seven

A GEEZER (and a BABY for an extra point)




Question Eight

One GEEZER, getting lots of female admiration...




Question Nine

A BITCH (Osama Dog Laden)



Question Ten

Ermmmm....not even I know what that is....

So how did you do?

If you scored more than 8 you are safe to drink as much as you want while visiting the Philippines.

I you scored less than 8? Well you are still welcome, but suggest stay off the booze, only go out when accompanied by an adult and be prepared for a few surprises while you are here...

Those Crazy Euro's!

I'm going to France in May!

Actually I'm going to Germany, then Italy and then France.

For some reason there are no airports in the French alps, and no direct flights to my hotel. I really wish someone would hurry up and invent the teleporter....


Why am I going to France? I'm going to do a Mountain Bike Guiding course. If I pass, consenting adults can put the lives of both themselves and their children in my hands.

A scary thought...

So of course I need to get trained in First Aid.

The Red Cross, a wonderful organization, do a one week first aid course. The price? 1100 peso. About 11 quid. The course to be held at a local elementary school.


What I didn't realize, at least not until I turned up for class, was that this price excluded a few things. First of all it excluded seating. Then I found out it excluded air-conditioning and then I found out it excluded spoken English...

I'm a qualified PADI Rescue Diver and know enough Tagalog to direct a taxi driver to a girlie bar, so how hard can it be?



Quite hard as it turned out....

Being the Red Cross, the course was run purely by volunteers, A nurse, a Emergency Medical Technician, and a man who owns a Chinese laundry...



They were very nice, very supportive, and very, very patient with the giant, smelly, sweating Englishman. Who's body wouldn't fit in the dwarf size school benches and whose back and bum hurt after 5 minutes of sitting on them..



I also learned a few things. As well as subjects such as tropical diseases (useful if anyone gets Dengue while on the Alps), snake bites (half a lager, half a cider, shot of blackcurrant) and heat stroke (vigorous masturbation without lubrication) we covered a little known condition (at least in South East Asia) called Hypothermia.

According to our teacher, a qualified Nurse with more than 20 years experience. The major causes of Hypothermia are :-

1, People don't wear hats...Which is why there is a saying in England "If the feet are cold, put on a hat" Funny, I've never heard of that saying, and if my feet were cold I'd put on some socks!

2, People don't drink enough...Apparently all Europeans have a shot of rum or whiskey before they leave the house. The reason? Alcohol raises body temperature, she went on to say it also explains why foreigners drink more than Filipinos and are always drunk!

3, There are two holes in the head, and these holes let the cold in which gives you...a cold! Which I guess is why hats are so important!

I should say, in her defense that she went on to mention something about cold weakening blood cells and making them more susceptible to viruses. But she explained it as thought she really didn't believe this theory and it really was down to the holes in the head and not drinking enough booze!!



So there you have it! If some day, while walking down a European highstreet in the middle of winter, and you happen to come across a drunken Filipino wearing a hat, ask him if he was on the same first aid course as me!

Food for the GODS!

So the Shoe Diva has done a pretty good job of describing our trip over Easter. We went to the North of Philippines, a province called Illocano. Where you can be transported back in time to the days of the Spanish occupation...


We had a great experience. Despite the beach looking like the Filipino version of Blackpool at times....



If you go to her blog... http://musingsofashoediva.blogspot.com/ ...you'll see pretty pictures of some (empty) beaches, some very old church's, and shots of the places we stayed. There are also a few photo's of me looking suitably impressed with the 400000000000000 (how many zero's in a zillion?) degree heat that we had to endure. If you look really closely you will notice that in both photo's I'm smiling...on the inside...

However, what she failed to mention was the food.

Yes, I know I've already covered this on the Brown Food Theory post, but this story simply must be told.

This is what was served for breakfast during our stay...


Yup, this is breakfast. Consisting of 1, Dried Fish bones and 2, Seaweed.

This apparently is "authentic" Illocano food. For some strange reason not many people eat it outside of the region. Huh...go figure?

And it gets better!

For dinner the night before we were served this...



Which looks kinda harmless right? Maybe it could be bean sprouts? Maybe some type of rice?

Nope, its Ants Eggs!

Yup, open up those little white poddy things and inside is a 'ickle lickle baby ant.

For those of you wondering, no it didn't taste like chicken!

After 8 years in Asia I've eaten some strange things. Snake...Alligator...Jelly Fish...McDonald's Rice Burger! but this really takes the biscuit...actually a biscuit would've been kinda nice...

Still, there was one consolation, and of course it came in a bottle.


Ahhh....Mango Rum....Drink enough of this and Illocano fare begins to taste like food fit for a God.

And we all know what God spelled backwards is right?